Well... so much for come back next week. Total fail. I will cough all that up to the holidays since we are almost a MONTH since the beginning of this story. oops!
If you haven't read post 1 to this series you can read it here:
Well friends, I ended Before the Storm letting you know I quit my job, we lost half our income, and we were beginning a journey of lots of learning.
Many people may disagree with me when I tell them I knew God told me to come home. That's ok. It's not for them, it's for us. Many people knowing our story may judge me and they may believe or think I should not have quit my job. Their thoughts, their opinions, their beliefs.
So... I gave my resignation, I finished my maternity leave, and then completed my last weeks at work. I tried so hard to finalize all the things on my list there all while no new tasks were placed on me... And I helped interview and assist in the decision for my replacement. This was SO emotional. I had no idea it would make me cry so much. I'd end up in my bosses office crying every other day. They were my team, my ladies, I truly cared for them and loved them. Saying goodbye was not easy. Pumping 3 times a day was not fun either. Holy man!
I then came home and it was so weird. I knew I was in the right place because I was content. I didn't miss my job. I honestly didn't even think of it or them often. When I did I was so hard on myself. "How can you not think about them Amanda? Shame on you! They were so important to you!" I just had to remind myself of WHY I was where I was.
My struggle coming home was the financial piece. My brains continually told me I needed to work my business. I would get so upset with myself because I wasn't doing enough. It wasn't growing fast enough. I wasn't signing any or enough clients. We were getting behind. We couldn't pay all the bills. Yet, I couldn't lay my baby down. I wanted to be with him ALL.THE.TIME. I wanted to spend time with the girls. I wanted to just love them. I had come home to be mom. YET, I really struggled to fulfill that assignment because of the financial worries I had. I kept praying. I kept speaking scripture over our lives. I put checks on my Vision Board for amounts and on the signature line I wrote Your Heavenly Father because I did not know where it would come from. I just knew He'd provide. But, I also knew I needed to not just sit idly.
As I write this, the anxiety of it all builds right back up. I get the shakes. You guys I don't know if I have ever been this stressed in life except during this season. I had NO Idea I battled anxiety. Sure I had heard our marriage counselor say many years before "Chad, don't you understand what running does for her anxiety?" I was like what????? Then as our family therapist that came to assist us with Emma learned of our background she looked me in the eye and said "Amanda, that is not a normal approach to things. You have anxiety". I sat there in shock. Because of my faith and how my mama taught me to lean in Jesus I have always managed it in a way that no one had ever said anything. But now in this season, the season where I couldn't open the mail, the season where I'd think of buying groceries and I'd cry... the season where I said "Lord, you wont' take it all will you?" was oh so painful. I now understand what it is like to have your anxiety almost debilitate you. And now I cry... oh great, there's lavender from my mascara in my eyes now. Seriously. smh.
So after dreaming for so many years of being home with my children, I was struggling. I was lonely, afraid of what was happening to our family's life, I didn't know what to do, and I felt completely out of control. AND get this, I am a life coach but I, I was falling apart. BUT, there was purpose because I got to learn so much.
We'll end there for today, I don't think I can cry anymore LOL, and I am 20 minutes past my work time and little O needs to take a nap before church tonight. Next week hopefully you will see an oily post & the next post to this series.
Many blessings friends.