Friends, today I am going to begin sharing some things with you that are quite vulnerable. Some of it is awesome, some is painful, and some is embarrassing. The truth is, it does not matter if you judge me, it matters what God says about me. Thankfully He gives grace, lots of grace.
Our marriage has been filled with wild roller coaster rides. We have ridden the wave of many storms. I think this storm has to be one of the hardest we've ever endured. As I think about it now, it doesn't surprise me.
Why? Because when we choose to obey and follow God, Satan will hit hard. He will do anything in his power to stop it.
It all began when we decided to have another baby. This baby was are only humanly planned baby. Our girls were planned by God, not by us and we are so grateful for them. I had prayed to the Lord that if I was to ever be blessed with another child I'd love to have a baby boy. Chad was so done, no more kids. Ok, so I prayed for contentment and had found it - most of the time anyway. Then 1 day Chad asked me about it and we decided another baby was definitely in our future and it had to be soon. This was the spring of 2015. We waited quite a few months before I even went to the doctor and then it was real, this could happen and so we prevented for a few months. Eventually we were in the space of when it happens it happens and a couple weeks later I was pregnant. During those couple of weeks I had been praying everyday "Lord, the day you tell me I am pregnant is the day you tell me I get to come home". I had already been working towards this goal and had a the date of December 31st, 2016 on my vision board.
The fear began to appear. At the end of my first trimester I realized how much everything aligned. I remember the day things began to click so well. I had oiled up with sacred frankincense, oola faith, magnify your purpose, oola grow, and believe and sat down to read my bible and pray. My anxiety all of sudden went crazy but I had no idea that's what it was. I contacted a close friend and mentor and as I talked with her I realized it was experiencing fear. You see, I had just realized my due date was the end of September, I'd then take 12 weeks leave, and then there would only be 2 weeks of December 2016 left. Goosebumps. So many goosebumps.
As my belly grew and summer came friends and coworkers began to ask me if I was going to quit my job. I was careful yet confided in a few people that it was my hope. Eventually I confided in my boss. He understood. He knew what we were going through with our oldest and knew we had to do what was best for our family. AND he wanted me to pursue my dreams. We kept it under wraps but I promised that once we knew what we were going to do he'd be the first to know.
Then comes September and I had the most lovely home birth. By choice. My sister who is a doula was there. My best friend who is a doctor was there. My husband, my girls, and my midwife and birthing assistant were all there. I was surrounded by love. Afterwards, I got to crawl into my own bed, sit in my own rocking chair, take a bath in my own bathtub....
Chad was home with me for 2 weeks. We enjoyed every single minute of being home together. Our mornings were so lovely. Every morning we drank coffee, talked, and he feed me like like crazy. Most importantly we dreamed together.
In these conversations we talked about me coming home. Again, fear. The Lord tells us to believe and not doubt Him, but it is so hard. Chad leaves this up to me. I carry it for both of us. Friends, pray for your husbands, whether they have a strong relationship with the Lord or not. So as we talked, we planned. He asked that we hold off until November and see how I do working my business while taking care of a newborn. That day I prayed "Lord, let me know when Chad is ready and I will follow You". The next morning Chad was frying eggs and said "Honey, this is going to sound weird and it scares the crap out of me BUT I dreamt last night that I was to tell you to quit your job. So I'm listening and just being the messenger. " Jaw Drop!
It took me an entire month to write my resignation. I emailed it and then dropped in later that day. My boss had not met our little Orion yet and they were having a potluck. I went straight to his office and as he was pulling Orion out of the car seat he asked me "How are you?" and I began to just sob. He left my little baby in the seat and wrapped me in his arms and just let me cry. I was so scared. I loved my job. I was good at it. AND we were about to lose half our income.
Come back next week to learn how as a family we fought with faith, endured the hard, and trusted Jesus even though we wanted to just give up.
Much Love XOXO