Remember how she said that she ran out of my house and didn't come back for 5 months? Well, friends here is the next part of Scotti's story in which I am just about to read myself.
During those months Amanda would reach out from time to time with little “thinking of you” texts and I ignored every single one. I just could never bring myself to respond. As much as I missed her and wanted to talk to her I had pulled away and didn’t know how to go back because, going back meant being vulnerable and having feelings and the thought of that was terrifying. I don’t remember the exact how or why I ended up back at Amanda’s I just remember how awkward it was. Then it was awkward because it was awkward and it shouldn’t have been and just boy o boy there was just this heavy cloud of weird packed into the living room. I sat as far across the room as I could while she talked, and I sat in silence or gave minimal answers. A short while later it was time for Orion’s nap, I followed her to the nursery with our cups of coffee and plopped myself down on the floor across from the rocker and we just sat. I may not remember the reason why I came to the house that day but, I do remember that moment in the nursery. Amanda started to speak, I could already hear the emotion in her voice, and I did my absolute best to look anywhere but at her. Emotions made me so uncomfortable especially when it came to seeing Amanda hurt. All she said was “I have missed you so much and I just need you to know that no matter what I will always love you.” We looked at each other both teary eyed and that was all that needed saying.
During that summer I went through Amanda’s coaching program since we had traded coaching for childcare. Every Tuesday when I got done with work I headed down to Royalton. We’d start with our quick coffee catch up then jump straight in and once our hour was up I’d stay for dinner and stall as long as possible because I never wanted to leave. Coaching was kind of a love hate thing for me because it was interesting to learn a lot of new things about myself and we covered a wide range of topics like past, present, future goals, emotions, purpose and faith. When things with my family were starting to crack, Amanda made me feel so loved. I was excited and passionate about what I was learning about myself and wanted to share with whoever would listen. One evening after Amanda and I had done a spiritual gifts test I was talking with my mom and told her about it because my highest spiritual gift had been mercy and it made me feel proud because just wow what a wonderful thing to be. I told my mother all about this with all the excitement of a child learning something new and I just remember her looking me in the eyes and saying “Pffff, No it’s not.” And then continuing like she hadn’t just crushed me.
Things were not good at my home and I spent every second I wasn’t at work over at Chad and Amanda’s and would often stay late into the night until I was sure my parents would be asleep. A few times before Chad and Amanda had offered their home to me saying that I was welcome to move in. The first time they brought it up my heart screamed yes but I told them no because I felt I already took too much of their time and didn’t want to be a burden on their family. Mid July things officially broke down in a fight between my mother and me. Without going into too much detail let’s just say it was bad and I packed my stuff up all by myself called Amanda and asked, “can I still move in?” Now their house and their family weren’t just my safe haven they were my home.
Through the last two years as I’ve dealt with just the general everyday mundane struggles of being a young adult to dealing with achingly deep pain from past hurts and current family situations, Amanda and Chad both have become an amazing support system that I am lucky to have and my they are my sounding board for nearly everything. On the downside, Amanda got me all in touch with my feelings so I cry more than ever and it’s annoying. There have been many late-night tearful conversations curled up on the bed, but, there have been even more laughs, hugs and snuggles.
My relationship with Amanda has grown and changed so much as I’ve gotten older and has been an immense blessing in life often providing guidance and views that I maybe hadn’t noticed. She wants what’s best for me and is there to push and encourage me when I need it yet reminds me that it’s my life and it’s my job to make the decisions, but I know if I fall on my face or mess up, she will love me through it. On top of all of that she has become not only my faith guide but my faith inspiration, she has an amazing faith that I am in awe of and strive to achieve in my own life and that in itself has been an amazing experience I probably would have never had without Amanda in my life. Chad and my boyfriend often joke and call me mini Amanda and it’s not that I’m consciously trying to be her, her presence has just had such a profound impact on my life that many of my views and the way I think have changed so much for the better and I work to lift others up the way she has lifted me.
Amanda has become such a large part of my life and our relationship is so much more than what I can put in words but it’s easy to see. I think the best way I can explain it is how I told my boyfriend, he would always ask me” who are you snapping, calling, etc.” because to be honest I was on my phone often, the answer was always the same, “Amanda.”
“Well who’s Amanda?”
“Ummm well, it’s hard to explain.”
“Technically she’s my cousin but she’s also like a big sister/best friend who sometimes moms me a little.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Ya I know but you’ll get it when you meet her.”
On our drive back to school after I brought him home the first time he turned and looked at me and all he said was “I get it now.”
And friends... now that I have read it and am crying again... I hope you get it too.
Blessings and lots of love. ~ Amanda